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(Columnist’s note: I’ve had some heartfelt holiday columns I’m still very fond of, but I think this reprint from 2015 remains my favorite of all the funny ones. I’ve updated it just a little to reflect current dates and events, but it remains mostly unchanged.)

Cari Rerat already has a reading plan set up for her child, who is due in a few weeks. She knows what books she’ll let her son read at what ag…