Published: November 15, 2007 03:19 pm            

Drugs touch many lives - Week 17

November 14, 2007 — I’m writing this in response to the many weeks I’ve been reading other people’s stories. This is my story. I hope and pray it will touch at least one person who is suffering from the disease of addiction. It is a very deadly disease that many of you – the general public – do not understand. Many people in the communities in which we live are very judgmental of the lives that are touched or affected by the disease. So my hope also is that any of you that chose to judge may have a different view on this.

I came from a very good Christian family with wonderful parents and siblings. No, my life was not perfect and there are skeletons in my closet in which I am trying my best to learn to deal with. However, you could say I came from the American dream family. My family was not “rich” per se; however, I didn’t do without and never really had to want for anything. I was given everything I wanted; however, I never had a job until I graduated from high school and started my adult life. I can honestly say that I was spoiled. But my point is that I came from a family pretty much like everybody else.

My drug use started when I was a freshman in high school at the early age of 13. I first drank alcohol and smoked my first marijuana joint at this tender age. It became a more common thing for me as my high school years continued. But I always felt different and always wanted to fit in. Alcohol and drugs brought that to me. That’s the only time I felt like I fit in. However, I always felt that I was different. And now looking back, I was an “addict” even then. For those of you who do not know the definition of “addict”, the simplest way I can define it is a habit that is an obsession. And the simplest way to further break this down is to say, “When I take the first drink or drug, I immediately want another one”. Those of you that are addicts will understand this concept. For those of you who do not understand this, just put something else in the place of drugs or alcohol, such as food. How many of you eat even when you aren’t hungry? Or take a bite of something and immediately want another one? That’s what it is like for alcoholics and addicts. It’s a mental obsession that does not go away during active addiction.

I must say that my alcohol and drug consumption was also very dependent upon what kind of man I had in my life and whatever their drug of choice was. But alcohol was always involved. Throughout the years of growing up, I became very co-dependent. The meaning of codependency is the psychological “addiction” to another person in an unhealthy way. I thought I had to have a man in my life at all times even if it was unhealthy. I always wanted to help people and “make them a better person”. Don’t ask me why; that is just the way I am programmed. Now looking back, I think that was my way of feeling successful and a way of validating myself to the public and my family that I was a “good person”. That is, if I could change a man into a productive member of society. The men I always choose needed lots of fixing as well as drug and alcohol problems. Sounds pretty sick, huh? Needless to say, I was never very successful in changing men into what I thought they ought to be. So then I lived with the thoughts that I once again had failed.

After high school, I went to college because that was what I was supposed to do, or at least that’s what I was taught. So my first semester in college, I got hooked up with a male companion who liked to use alcohol and cocaine. So, those were my drugs of choice for that time period. I ended up marrying this man, which didn’t last even two years. It took me about two weeks into the marriage to realize I’d made a mistake but it took me two years to get out of that mess. I dropped out of college and went to vocational school and then back to college during the time I was with this man.

I finally got divorced and was still attending college. I started dating my high school sweetheart over again. We had a lot of friends – male and female – who were together every weekend partying and doing drugs. But those are the days when drinking and drugging were still a lot of fun. Every weekend we went barhopping, then back to someone’s house for the rest of the night to party and do drugs – alcohol, marijuana and cocaine. No one ever got into trouble and like I said, it was a lot of fun. I ended up marrying my high school sweetheart but we still partied. Then I ended up pregnant. Just seemed like life was taking its course. So I stopped partying while I was pregnant. After having a wonderful daughter, I went on with my addiction but it was more “controlled”.

It seemed to me that my life was going on the way it was suppose to. I finished college, received a degree and started my career. I was madly in love with my husband and loved my life. I’m really not sure at what point it happened, but the stress of marriage and motherhood took its toll on me and I started consuming more and more alcohol. My husband and I had always smoked pot and occasionally did some cocaine or crystal meth, but not on a habitual basis. Through the years, my alcoholism consumed my entire life. I was not happily married anymore. I was not in a bad marriage but distances started growing between my husband and me. Then came more and more alcohol and drugs until I finally got the nerve to tell my husband I wanted out. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Like I said, it was not a bad marriage; it was like being married to your best friend. I loved my husband and still do to this day but I fell out of love with him. It had gone on so long that there was no repairing it or maybe I just wasn’t willing to work at it.

My alcoholism at this point was like a raging fire…tearing through everyone’s life. My daughter was eight-years-old when her father and I got divorced. I cannot even discuss some of the things I done in front of my daughter. There were so many times when I passed out in front of her; times when she literally took care of me; and the times I put her in unsafe conditions. I bought her anything she wanted because of the guilt I felt. But I continued to do it anyway. It was like I didn’t have any control over my alcoholism. I didn’t want to drink around my child but I didn’t want to not be with her either. So I continued to combine them and continued to hurt my child. It is a vicious cycle, this alcoholism thing. I hated myself for the things I had done and the person I had become. I lived with so much guilt and remorse, so I drank and drugged more to “numb” my feelings.

I truly could not stand myself at this point in my life. Then I ran into another man. This relationship was totally based on partying and how much he could use me. He definitely was the worse and largest “project” I had ever encountered on my mission to make men better people. We partied very hard for several months. He went to jail several times during this period but we continued on. Life was good as long as he wasn’t in jail and we could party. Then, I ended up pregnant. I was devastated. I thank the dear Lord above that he helped me to be strong enough during my pregnancies to stop drinking. I did not want to be pregnant, but I knew God had given me this pregnancy for a reason and I could not have an abortion. However, I prayed for a miscarriage the entire time I was pregnant. I cried the entire nine months. It was the worst time of my life at this point. The father of my child did not stop partying. He would leave to get a pack of cigarettes and not come home for several days. He conned me out of so much money to feed his addiction.

I stayed in that relationship for about a year after giving birth to another wonderful daughter. I was able to control my addiction for about the first year of my daughter’s life. I finally got out of that relationship that was the worse, most miserable relationship I was ever in. I did not love this man but once again I had to accept failure and defeat. But I had another child to care for and as a product of this misery. However, I fell madly in love with her the day I gave birth and saw her for the first time. But I hated her father and I had to accept that I had let this man take me for a lot of money and “things”. What could be wrong with me? I’m not stupid. I’m actually a pretty intelligent person. So, how could I get in such messes and take so much time and energy to get out of? Now I know the answer is the disease of addiction and codependency.

Once again after getting out of that bad relationship, I found my next man. It also started off with drinking and drugging. But this time, it was different…it was pain pills. I had previously taken a few pain pills from time to time with alcohol and I really liked the way they made me feel. Over time I finally got my physician to give me my own prescriptions for these pills and my boyfriend had his own prescriptions as well. We gradually stopped drinking so much but the pain pill intake was growing and growing, to astronomical levels. Fortunately (or unfortunately), I had gradually conned my physical into increasing my pain pills until I was getting the good stuff – Oxycontin.

My boyfriend, of course, was the one who first introduced me to this drug and I loved it the very first time I tried it. It was the new “love of my life”. If I had Oxycontin, I did not feel like I needed anything else in my life.

My physical health had started taking a turn for the worse and rightly so by this time. My body was literally shutting down. I would stay up for days without eating or sleeping, getting high. I’d get my kids off to school, and then I’d sleep a few hours some days and then do it all over again.

I totally isolated myself because I didn’t want to encounter people, not even my family but they continued to come around from time to time anyway. I tried to push anyone I cared about out of my life because they wanted to lecture me on how bad I looked and how ridiculous I was when I was high, only to deny it to the bitter end. But I couldn’t stop by this time. I tried numerous times and the sickness is unreal. Nothing I had taken in the past or even been addicted to had ever made me feel so sick withdrawing from. There is absolutely nothing that can compare to how it makes you feel. Your body aches and hurts all over when you don’t use; so you need more and more just to feel “normal”. I wanted so desperately to stop but I didn’t have a choice by this time. I would lie in bed praying to die when I didn’t have any medication. I couldn’t stop and by this time, I really didn’t care if I lived or died. I felt so alone but that’s the way I wanted it to be.

I still had this man in my life as long as there were pills. Otherwise, he didn’t want anything to do with me but the feelings were mutual. Also by this time, drugs had taken me to a dark, scary place. I had crossed so many lines that for all my life I had sworn I’d never cross. I’d tell myself, “As long as I don’t do this or that, I’m not too bad”. But I crossed those lines and I had to tell myself: “Yes, you are that bad”. I didn’t want to admit it but in the back of my head, I knew the truth. I needed help to stop or I would go on to the bitter end, jails, institutions or death. That was the path I found myself on.

Thank God there was a little twinkle in me that wanted to live, to see my kids grow and to be with the family that stood by me despite all my years of manipulations, lies, betrayals and so forth. There was a little piece of me that wanted to get clean and sober and become the person that my family was proud of and most of all that I was proud to be. I also couldn’t stand to see how much I was tearing my father’s heart out and breaking him. I couldn’t live with all this guilt, shame and remorse anymore. I couldn’t beat myself up anymore. I was all beaten down…by drugs and alcohol. So I finally got the nerve up to sign myself into a detox center. That was the last day of November 2006.

I could not begin to tell any of you the wonderful life God has given to me since then. No, it hasn’t been an easy road to travel, but it is a wonderful journey that I’m on with God as my map and my pilot. When signing up for detox, I was introduced to a wonderful program called Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a 12-step, spiritual program – not a religious program. Like I said at the beginning of this, I was raised in a Christian home; but I never knew God’s love like I have learned over the past 10 months. God is not here to judge me and knock me down when I’m stumbling. He’s here to give me strength, guidance and to pick me up when I so desperately need it.

I’ve learned so many things about myself from the magnificent fellowship of AA. I’ve learned that drinking and drugging are not my problem; it is a thinking problem that I have. I used drugs and alcohol for almost 30 years to self-medicate my thinking and feeling problems. I used a chemical solution for my spiritual problem; but AA teaches me that there is a spiritual solution to my chemical problem. All I have to do is have faith and let go and let God. Yes there’s more to the AA fellowship and way of life, if I just use the tools that have been placed in front of me and be willing to take advice. From the first time I entered the rooms of AA, I felt more in place than I have for 40 years now. I felt more genuine, unconditional love that does not require anything in return. Yes, I have fallen and relapsed twice since joining the fellowship; however, my fellow AA members do not judge me. They welcome me back and love me regardless. I recommend and challenge the people of this community to read the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a design for life and a way to live. Today, it is so much easier to stay sober than it is to use or drink as long as I keep in close contact with my higher power.

The best advice I can give to the addicts still out there suffering: If you aren’t done using, I hope and pray that you live through it because you can’t stop until you’re ready and done. I got so tired of being sick and tired and so glad I hit my bottom before I lost everything. To the families and friends of addicts, please do not give up hope on your members. Keep praying to God that they will finally hit their bottom. Please remember too that you must not love them to death. If you continue to give them money or support them, you are just enabling them and they may never hit their bottom until it is six feet under. Stop loving them to death. You can still love them and not give them anything. Giving material things is not love. In this case, it is worse. They may say harsh things to you, try to manipulate you into getting what they want, or even become violent but don’t give in to them. It’s their addiction talking. Stop helping them kill themselves.

To my family, just remember I’m still learning and I’m going to have hurdles in this journey I’ve embarked on. I’ve lost so many memories due to drugs and alcohol and I can’t wait to experience and feel the memories of the future with all of you. I’m so excited about just living and loving. Please be patient with me as I go from crawling to walking and then to running. I’m learning to live life on life’s terms instead of going through it numb. I cannot live in the past. I hope I will always remember where I came from, but I cannot live with the guilt, remorse or shame that I was once forced to live with or I’d get drunk.

To my mother – I would like to say thank you for always being there for my kids and me but don’t be so harsh. I’m sorry for all the hell I put you through. If you have a problem with me, please just calmly talk to me in a loving manner. Don’t try to control me or beat me up with your words. I’m now open to suggestions and would love to discuss things with you instead of being told what to do. I know that is the way you were raised and that’s just your way. I love you for who you are.

To my father – I would also have to say thank you for always being there for my kids and me also, but in a much different way than Mom. You know I’ve always been your girl and I would love to continue to be no matter how old I am. I’m so sorry that I hurt you so many times, but it wasn’t my intentions. I love you.

To both my parents – I pray everyday that I can be the person you are proud of and that the past is put in the past. I know over time, our relationship will heal and you will let the walls down that I forced you to build. For that I’m also sorry.

To my sister – Words cannot begin to say how I feel about you. Even though we don’t always say it or show it, I love you so very much. You are an inspiration to me. Even though I’m older than you, I hope I can be only half the woman you are when I grow up. You have been here for me when I didn’t think I had anyone. Thanks for having my back. I’m so eager to develop a life-long relationship with you.

I must not end my story before I mention another one of the greatest things that has happened to me since being sober. As I stated earlier, I am a very active member within the fellowship of AA. God placed a wonderful man in that program for me to cross paths with and oh, how I am so very grateful. I am actually in a healthy, loving, wonderful relationship with a person who does not need me in any way, shape or form. He actually loves me for whom I am and not what I have to offer. I don’t need to fix him or make him a better person for society to see. I truly believe my life and my past had to happen for me to be where I am today. That includes finding him. All of this has been worth it. I don’t need him either; I just want him. I can walk and stand on my own two feet. He just walks with me and gives me strength with encouraging words. Being an alcoholic and addict himself, he understands and “gets” me. Recovery is our future together. Yes, we have a lot of growing to do and we both have a lot of walls built up due to our past but we are slowly making progress and chipping away at those walls. To you sunshine, I love you and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you – Your Angel.



NOTE: Those who are or have been addicted to drugs or have suffered loss due to the drug addiction of others are invited to send their story to

mhogan@journal-times.com fax to 474-0013 or 286-4201, or drop off at the Grayson or Olive Hill offices.

        

• Click to discuss this story with other readers on our forums.