November 7, 2007
November 09, 2007 10:27 am
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Editor’s Note: This is a series of first-hand accounts of lives touched by drugs here in Carter County The names will be changed to protect identity
My story of addiction begins, I believe, before my birth. I do believe some of us are predisposed to be addicts. My biological mother is an alcoholic and addict, my biological father who is now deceased, was an alcoholic.
I wasn’t exposed to either lifestyle growing up. My grandmother raised me until I was five years old. My parents are biologically an aunt and uncle. They are wonderful. I wasn’t exposed to drugs or alcohol or alcohol. I was reminded I was smart, beautiful and could be or do anything if I put my mind to it. I was told and showed I was loved everyday yet my self-esteem was very low.
I experimented with drugs and alcohol in high school and continued afterwards. I had two children by age 19 and was a single parent. I used various drugs and drank occasionally, but was always able to quit and get to work Monday morning.
The children grew older, I got married, circumstances changed and I found myself addicted to pain medication. I tried detox three times. They were able to clean my body but not my mind.
In the meantime I had lost a great job and withdrew from my family. My children (who were teenagers) were aware of my use through my actions. I wasn’t fooling anyone.
My addiction had taken over every aspect of my life. I would do anything to get a pill; lie, cheat or steal, whatever it took.
Why can’t you just quit? My friends and family would ask. Oh, how I prayed it was that simple, but my attempts to quit on my own were so painful physically that it was just too easy to get the drug and feel better. That isn’t even mentioning the mental anguish of guilt, shame and regret you would endure.
Through my recovery program, I have learned that every addict has his or her own “bottom”. Mine came after judging pregnant women I would come in contact with who were still actively using. My judgment was they were the lowest form of an addict, actually feeding their unborn child drugs. Then it happened, my harsh judgment was my own fate. I was unable to quit using after numerous attempts to quit “cold turkey” or taper myself down.
My addict mind decided that an abortion would be best even knowing in my heart it was murder. While at the clinic I saw my unborn child on the ultrasound screen. God had shown me that this was not my life to take; he had created this life inside me. This did not however slow my drug use down.
I decided my unborn child had had enough when at 31 week I had ran out of drugs, withdrawal had started. I was dehydrating and I could feel this child inside of me kicking, rolling and moving uncontrollably.
This poor child was undoubtedly in pain due to my addiction. Through no fault of her own, she was paying for my sin.
I checked myself into the hospital and detoxed over several weeks. I decided there was a slim chance of my staying clean when my hospital stay was complete unless I got long-term treatment, which I did.
During my 90-day stay, I gave birth to a drug-free 7 lb. 9 oz. baby girl. I also learned through God’s grace and mercy I did not contract any diseases while using. Most of all, I have learned to live life on life’s terms. Most days I take an hour at a time. There are days staying clean I have to take a minute at a time, even days I take a second at a time.
I am working my 12-step program. Step one was the hardest, admitting I was powerless over my addiction and that my life had become unmanageable.
I am working everyday to re-establish the relationship I had severed due to my addiction. I want the trust and respect back I once had from my family and friends. Most of all, I want my children to go to bed every night and know that their mother will be there clean and sober, never again will they have to wonder.
I give my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ the glory in my life. He has given me the chance and opportunity to live free of my disease of addiction. I have taken the opportunity.
I once cried because I felt God cursed me with an unborn child. That child saved me from myself. She is healthy and beautiful. I don’t know what the future holds for her, but as Billy Graham once said, “I know who holds the future!”
NOTE: Those who are or have been addicted to drugs or have suffered loss due to the drug addiction of others are invited to send their story to mhogan@journal-times.com fax to 474-0013 or 286-4201, or drop off at the Grayson or Olive Hill offices.
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